Trusting God and My Fearful Heart

Trust God. 

Those of raised in the church have been told this since before we could understand the words.

In theory, it's easy. In theory, trusting God means believing that God will take care of us, and often, we trust God by assuming that He'll do it our way, or we trust another person, or ourselves.

But putting our full faith in God, relying on Him entirely, means accepting that we can't stop those around us from making bad decisions. We can't rely on the humans that we want to rely on. We can't shoulder the burden ourselves. We have to trust God.

I like to say that I'm trusting God, and then go fix the problem myself. Or wait for another reliable loved one to fix it. But sometimes, sometimes God throws us situations that we can't fix. Situations where it seems the people who should be wise, reasonable, and capable make seemingly horrible decisions. And it's hard, so hard.

I like to protect people from pain. I want to shield my loved ones from another heartbreak, another foiled dream, another earthquake of life. But sometimes events arise that are completely out of my control. Being pregnant has emphasized that helplessness. I used to feel as if I could work my way out of any situation--literally, work. But now, I'm daily growing a human being, who in around 16 weeks, will require so much of my energy and attention. I'm weaker now--emotionally, physically, and will be financially. And it's hard. I can't tell myself that I can protect those I love because I won't be able to.

The last few weeks have been hard, the last few days torturous. I've smeared more tears and mascara off my face than I have in a long time. I feel helpless, unable to stop a  potential situation which I deem horrible. (This isn't about the baby. He's fine.) So my faith has had to grow. My trust has had to grow. Oh, I've fought it. It's humbling, terrifying, and I keep erupting into a Mt. Vesuvius of tears over the whole matter. Someone told me to trust God (again) the other day. That person mixed cruel words in with kind, wise in with foolish, but the trust God aspect was precisely what I needed. I can't change, stop, or prevent the future. But I can trust God. I can pray. I can remember and rely on God's promises, and recall the numerous occasions in which He has provided.

For now, I have only the resource of prayer, continual, persistent, heartfelt pleas to the Father. Through all of this, I am so thankful to have been blessed with a husband, whose balanced demeanor,  devoted love, and gentle spirit is the needed counterpart to my emotional (and worsened by pregnancy) response to these trying circumstances.

A facebook friend posted this as a status today and I've taken it to heart.

"The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?...one thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in His temple...for He will hide me in His shelter in the day of trouble; He will conceal me under the cover of His tent; He will lift me high upon a rock." -Psalm 27:1, 4-5