He'll Soon Be Gone

This is my grown up thanksgiving prayer.
I'm thankful that today my husband is with me, that (Lord willing) he'll be with me on Thanksgiving.
I'm thankful for the little home we share, the laughter, the love, and the bond that grows deeper every day.
I'm thankful for the days I wake up and he's besides me--or realistically--poking me to turn off my alarm and get ready for work.

The days we spend together are growing shorter, and soon it will be time for him to go.
I want to be selfish and demand a world where he doesn't leave, but that's ridiculous.
It's his job. It's what he signed up for. It's what I knew would be my reality.

I know what the pain of separation feels like. It's a knife, jagged, ill-formed, and cruel. It slashes as the heart, re-opening fresh wounds continuously. It's a dull ache in the back of throat. It's a reality that grows more painful with time, even as it becomes more manageable.

It's falling asleep alone, waking up alone, tending a baby alone, crying alone--alone but not really alone. Just separated.

It's one half of a heart, a unit, a life on one side of the world and the second half on the other side of the world.

It's seeing things the other would love and aching to share in those. It's remembering when we took one another for granted and mourning that. It's growing a relationship stronger every day, forging a bond through pain, denial, love, and trust.

It's dying to self and putting the one you love before your own feelings. It's being strong when you crave weakness, smiling when  tears brim, and loving fully and truly when it's hard.

It's the sound of an airplane's engine breaking your heart and the slow pace of a calendar bringing you hope.

It's love, marriage, and family tested and tried to come out stronger than ever.

It's being the one he comes home to, and waiting every day with the knowledge that an embrace long awaited is the sweetest.

It's sending your heart where he goes, while your physical being stays home.

It's a love that's hard, a love that's tried, a love that's true.

So today I'm thankful that my husband is with me, for many women do not have theirs tonight. I'm thankful for the challenges we will face, the growing process, the pain, and the love of our little family. I don't relish what's to come. I loathe the expected pain and fear the loneliness, but I am thankful for the trial just the same.

A letter to Milsos Everywhere

Milso: "Someone who is a significant other to someone who is the military. This phrase is extremely popular on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest."
TA: Tuition Assistance
BAH: Basic allowance for housing
Note: Since I'm married, I'm writing this in the husband/wife context. However, replacing the terms with others, ie, (fiancee, boyfriend) will work just as well.

Dear Milso Sisters,

I'm writing this because we children of the late 20th/early 21st centuries are ever so spoiled and we show it. I'm writing this because I'm tired of being embarrassed by my so called peers. But mostly, I'm so proud of those of you who are being amazing each and every day. I want to encourage you.

First, I want to admit that we all have our bad days years. There are periods in every person's life when he/she is selfish and acts like an idiot. Sometimes, no matter how much we love our S/Os, we do stupid, selfish things. I include myself ever so heartily in this confession.

Now on to the crux....

There's a difference between whining and needing encouragement. A difference between extended self pity and having a bad day. A difference between playing the martyr and being long-suffering.

Moving 

When we insist that we cannot deal with being moved away from our families, our current homes, or jobs because the military decided to send our husbands elsewhere, we are being ridiculous. Yes, it can be painful, exhausting, traumatic, and not fun whatsoever. But we shouldn't act surprised. That's something that's a given in military life (and lot of adult life in general). Moving is not something we get to be martyrs about. Not at all. No, you won't get to always live by your parents or your family. But did you really expect to?
You SHOULD miss your family, long for that community, and save for visits. That's healthy, wonderful, and a total blessing. Enjoy the adventure of stepping out of your home area into a different place. You get to explore the United States and even the  world. Enjoy it.

Money

While the majority of milsos understand that moving comes with military service, there's a complaint that's far too common in milso land: money. Money is annoying. It's stressful. It's too easy to spend and hard to get back. However, don't claim to be POOR just because your husband works for the government. Yes, I said it. Enough with the poor rants. In fact, don't even dream of it unless you have children. Children are expensive. They require a host of different things, can keep mamas from going to work, and they can increase a family's expenditures by a lot. Some of you live in extremely expensive areas, so money is stretched tighter and money complaints from you are legitmate.   So milsos with kiddos and/or those living in high priced areas, you have an exemption, a default clause. However, don't over use it because....

In non-military land, a person's employer doesn't pay for a person's housing. I know, I know, it's shocking. There's no BAH floating around in non-military land. As for insurance, that is freaking expensive. Some jobs offer it, some jobs provide it for a pricey fee for dependents, but it's not a given. As for you young milsos (like myself), do you know what most twenty one year olds make it the private sector? Not much.
 And don't forget, the military will pay for your loved one's college through TA and the GI bill. College is insanely expensive now days, but your husband has a job that, if used correctly, could completely pay for his college.
To recap, you have a house that's paid for, insurance without hefty premiums, and a bundle of tuition money. Please remember those your age floating out in the private sector without all those things and lower paying jobs.

When your husband is gone...

If your husband is deployed, I will hold your hand [figuratively and literally], feed you ice cream if needed, listen to your pain, tell you look adorable because he can't see you, and constantly pray for you. You, dear sister, are being so brave. If he's gone, on a non-deployment issue, I'll do the same things. Separation is painful. So painful. It is difficult. It is emotionally trying. It is exhausting.
I've no tough love for this instance. Only the reminder to be thankful. Thankful that we live in a world where husbands don't leave for the duration--with only a few letters in their absence. Thankful that we live in a world where there might be a skype conversation or two. Thankful that we live in a world with dozens of mediums that we can use to connect with others going through the same pain. Remember: you are not alone. You are not the only one. You can call people at 1 AM because you hate being alone in a
house in the middle of the night. (Call me!!)  Remember the women that came before you.

When the conflict is irrational

Your husband doesn't get to decide where he'll be sent or if he'll enter a war that many people don't support. His job is to be a good servicemember and do what he is told. You don't have to support the war, or the idea of war. You just have to support your husband. He is doing his duty, so support him.

Discounts

You are not entitled to a discount at every single establishment. If a restaurant offers a military discount and only for the servicemember, say thank you and be happy that your S/O is being honored that way. Do not say that certain places should offer high discounts because they're so expensive. And never, ever, ever act offended if someone says they don't have a military discount. (Unless they are rude. In that case, do your thing.)

Blame
Don't blame the military for every problem in your life. Your husband's job may make certain things much harder, but ultimately, it's up to the two of you to work on your relationship. Does your husband's position keep him working holidays? Mine does! But don't blame the military and act the martyr for it. Lots of jobs make their employees work through the holidays. Instead, encourage your S/O and thank him for working holidays. Plan holidays around his days off. Be his biggest fan and cheerleader.

And finally, remember that your husband is more than his job. Your relationship is more than his job. Your life is more than that. Be thankful that he has a career, that you have a home and insurance, and that you're making it through another day of this crazy life.

P.S. 
If you want to date or marry a guy just because he wears a uniform, you're what's known as a tag chaser. You're not a milso, just a girl who goes after guys because of what they wear to work.

Deployment, Military Appreciation Month, and Not Coming Home

A few days ago two airman from 'our' base were killed when their plane crashed in Afghanistan. They were young, brave, and doing the job their country  had called them to do. At their home base, protesters blocked the gates, yelling, waving signs, complaining about something those young men had no control over. While those protesters used their liberties to let airmen know that they were unhappy with them--when really they should be unhappy with the government, not actual military members--those men lived their final hours, serving their country.

Today, my husband was told "You're going to Afghanistan". There was no warning, no precedent, nothing to make him think he'd hear those words today. An hour later, he was told that he wasn't. Thanks to a clerical error, two men had been chosen for the job. One would go; one would stay. So this time, my husband stays. However, there's a possibility of a next time, of a next time when his name is the only one and it's his time to go, to serve, to fight for me, for you, for those protesters, and for the rest of the U.S..  And while I'll pray fervently every day and night that my husband comes home to me, there's always that lurking fear. Tonight, when my husband comes home, I'm going to hug  him tighter, and whisper a prayer of thanks that he is home.

May is military appreciation month, so lets appreciate our military. There are men and women all over the world and the U.S. who do difficult, exhausting, tedious, and dangerous jobs to keep us safe every day. And some days, they don't come home from work--wherever that may be. We can disagree with a government's policies, disagree with how defense is carried out, but we must admit that are being kept safe. Disagree with the policy, but always thank an airman, soldier, marine, coastie, or member of the navy. Only one percent of our nation is in the military, keeping us safe, defending us, and sometimes, sacrificing all.

Thank a military member or veteran this month.