I really wanted to write more--I did. Stories, ideas, arguments--they would all flood my mind. But then I'd fall asleep, or find an assignment, or just forget. There were other posts, too. Sad posts, heavy posts, introspective posts. One of those escaped the draft folder and is somewhere in the archives. If you can find it, read it, and determine just exactly what I'm talking about, then delicious imaginary cookies for you.
And ramble et al.
However, most posts never were written. But this year is bringing so much change to my life--a baby, a degree, some temporary heartache--it's all bringing the fulfillment of so many of my obsessive goals.
I've worked really hard to graduate debt free. Really hard. So hard that I talk far too much about it. I use it in job interviews, and talk about it in "class introductions". It's an absurdly important part of my life. This is not to say that I regret sharing my experiences or writing "how tos" because I truly think it's important for young people to know that there is another way. Rather, though, I'm glad this period of life is coming to an end. I'm thankful that I can focus intensely on something else. My education isn't ending--I still want a teaching credential and grad school looks so enticing. But I'll take it slower. The cost is lower and, while I'll be frugal and pay with cash, the intensity will be funneled elsewhere. I hope.
Intensity and goals: mountains, duh. Plus, picture of Mt. Shasta, which is a shout out to northern California.
The problem is: I like being that girl. The one who does so much and causes others to look...slow. I have a problem with glorifying being busy. It's a form of type A personality, a need to do so much. It's a form of ego--I can do this much. It's a form of that cardinal sin: pride--look how much I can do.
It starts innocently enough, but then it grows into something more sinister. Ironically, the thing most people people probably most I'm prideful about (debt free degrees) is the thing that I'm probably least prideful about. Proud of it? Naturally. Prideful, in that Biblical sin way? Not really. It's been a hard, exhausting road. The current climate makes it seem impossible. I only began the journey because I had to. And I finished it because I was too obstinate to quit.
No, it's weird things like being too busy with work and school to do much else. It's difficulties like having my husband gone for a painfully long time this year. It's trying so hard to not be pregnant and hinder the day's work at my job that I come home sick and out of breath. Yet deep down, I'm proud of those things. It's absurd, really.
I'm driven by ego, by the desire to be more than mediocre, to stand out, but I still avoid perfection (because perfectionists annoy me). I don't regret working hard and going to school. I don't regret doing my job well, even when my body was screaming. (Well, kinda. Ouch.) I don't regret gearing myself up mentally for an emotionally arduous year. (Although, if this year would go by quickly, then muchos gracias from the depths of my heart.)
However, for 2014 I'm going to focus intently on--
Stopping the idolization of busyness, of hardship, of trials.
I won't stop working, struggling, and thanking God for pulling me through. But I'm going to work on minding my ego (before it smacks me in the face) and relishing the beautiful parts of life, too.
I don't want to change my personality. I like being busy. I like working hard. I like finding difficult goals. But I want to find a balance along the way. But I'm supposed to find peace from God in the busyness. Solace in Him in hardship. I'm supposed to find His love and grace amid the trials. Instead, I too often just dig deeper and find another root of stubborn ambition to propel me forward. I'm a rather obtuse learner, it would seem.
Because, when I focus on the moment--like the fact that the 36 week gestated baby inside of me is poking me continuously--instead of how I'll achieve less this year than I wanted to--I'm happier. (Note to self: dear, stop with the dash marks. You're scaring everyone.) I'm at peace. And I'm thankful.
For others who are driven by ego and ambition, how do you balance goals with pride? How do you find the medium between narcissism and consciously teaching others?
Ahem, Susie... (Philippians 2:3) Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.
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