A Big Family Calculator

You're in Costco. Hands on the cart, feet padding against the flat cement, mouth watering as your eyes leer at that delicous-looking sample plate on top of that red checked sheet. "Where else am I going to get a quarter of a brownie bite...for free!" Your mind reasons. Your're almost there, the brownie bite is almost in your mouth, calories making their way down to your hips when BAM! Out of nowhere a raging hoard of Mongolians appears, devours the brownie bites, overturns the red checkered table, and sets fire to the warehouse.

Actually, all they do is happen to reach the sample lady before you, but there's enough of them that the sample lady will have to select a few more brownie bites for slaughter, carefully slice them, then place them in those little paper cups. It's a first world problem, for certain, but that crowd of how many children does she have  rather well behaved children have stolen your brownie bites. 

You decide that,while you bide your time  you shall count the number of this minion of children, so that you can complain to your friends about the huge family of a bazillion children that stole your quarter of a brownie bite.

You count five, not including the mama, and once your brownie bite is in your belly, you go along your merry way. A few sample stops later, you encounter that family in your church that has eight children. You realize that the crowd of five children pales in comparison to eight...but five is still a large  number, right?!

You go home, unload your groceries, and that night curl up on the couch with a Diet Pepsi (must combat those brownies) to watch 19 Kids and Counting on TLC. 

And you realize, you don't know what constitutes a big family. 

This is a common problem in America. We've gotten so used to the idea that two children is the definition of a normal family, that any number bigger than that seems enormous and monstrous. Normal is just a setting on the dryer. Really. And some dryers don't even have that.

Since I have over twenty years of experience in this field (haha), I've formulated three theories that can help you ascertain whether or not you have truly sighted a BIG FAMILY.

The hand rule. 

If each finger represents a child, how many [parts] or [entire] hands do you need?

If it's less than one, that's not a big family.

*Caveat: four kids is a number that really swings either way. A lot of it depends on how closely the children are spaced.

 If it's a full hand, you should start the big family paperwork.

That's how many kids Stephen and I want!

 If it's more than one, then yes and yes!

 If it's more than two, then we're beginning to veer  into Duggar territory. 

The sporting team rule.

"You've got yourself a basketball team there!"

If each child represents a player on a basketball team, then does the sum total of children equate to a full team.

If there's at least five, then yes. :) 

I like to refer to our future children as our starting five because I think that's undeniably adorable. 

Of course, you always want subs, so it's a good idea to grow a few more. ;)

And finally, my all time favorite: the vehicle test.

Under the assumption that each family member will wear his own seatbelt, what size of car will the family need? 

Of course, some people, like my family aren't really seatbelt fans. But that's another blog post. 

If the answer is anything that only has five seats, then no, you have not encountered a big family.

-This rule allows families of four to count towards big family status because the next car up has seven seats. 

-At five kids, you have filled your mini van and most SUVs.

-At six plus children, you'll either need a Suburban, a six passenger van, or some other multiple personnel carrier. 

Again, if you have to drive a bus to haul all your children about, you're venturing into Duggar territory. 

And there you have it! Dr. Susie's handy dandy pocket guide to calculating a big family! 

This is my big family. Aren't we adorable?

Love, 

Susie

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