Marrying Young: We Got the Debate Wrong

When I was five, I wanted to get married at fifteen. At fifteen, I wanted to get married at twenty five. At twenty five, I'll have been married for three years.

The when to get married debate is an ideological one that divides people sharply, and in truth, it's a stupid one. The age a person gets married shouldn't be determined by a formula, or a life plan, or by anything aside from God's prompting of two people. 

In the secular world today, singleness is promoted as a way to assure people's advancements in careers and to provide a healthy bedrock foundation for a marriage...down the road.

"Early marriage"--anything younger than twenty five--is seen as a choice made by the religious right, or for those who do it because they have to, like for military members. 

Living a healthy, God-serving, vibrant, single life is not an idea promoted by either the religious or the secular. (Granted, in the secular it would be others-serving.) Singleness is seen by the some as a bog to escape, and by others as the promoter of a successful career. 

However, recently, women have been encouraged not to "hold off" on marriage for too long, for fear of the dreaded plague of infertility. Ergo, women are told to hurry up, marry, and have a baby or two before time is too late. Marriage is just a path to babies. 

Sadly, none of these worldviews attest to the awesomeness and truth of what marriage is. It's a partnership. It's having someone else to run into battle with, to live with, to love, and serve God. Mark Regenerus of the Washington Post wrote an elucidating article on the strengths, rewards, and joys of early marriage. He writes of many of the ideas that I have come to believe, and I love this article. 

However, unlike Regenerus, the idea of my friends and peers holding off marriage until later does not bother me. Many people do not find their soul mate until later in life, and the constant pressure to find someone by a certain date adds to the misconception of what marriage is. I know that marrying at twenty one was the best decision for me and Stephen, and I will delve into that further. But, I also know that it would be a horrible decision for many other people. I do not believe two people who are ready for marriage should wait for years just to attain an age, financial status, or to fulfill their parents' goals. However, neither do I believe that people who are not mentally and emotionally prepared for marriage should be guilted into it, or rush into it for fear of not meeting a certain deadline. 

It's not your parents' decision when you get married.

 It's not society's decision.

 It's not the economy's decision.

 It's God's decision; one that you verbalize. 

I like to say that we split our parents' preferences in the middle.

My mom thought it would have been fine (and wonderful) if we had gotten married earlier.

Stephen's parents thought we shouldn't get married for several more years. 

We listened to their thoughts, and then gently told them it was our decision. 

And I am so thankful to be married now! Regenerus claims that "Marriage actually works best as a formative institution, not an institution you enter once you're fully formed. We learn marriage, just as we learn language, and to the teachable some lessons come easier in life. 'Cursed be the social wants that sin against the strength of youth' Tennyson added in his poems of springtime and love" (1). For Stephen and I, this has been the case and the results have been beautiful.

Being married to Stephen has been the most wonderful of growing experiences. It has taught me to be more selfless and taught to be more dependent on Christ. We have grown together as a young couple as we develop mutual goals and plans. Our personalities are being shaped so that we better understand and communicate with one another. Our characters are being formed, but because we are married they are being formed to complement one another.

On a practical level, being married has been incredibly advantageous for us. We share a small apartment, utility bills, cars, grocery bills, and save a great deal of time, gas, and money not traveling to see one another. We are able to better focus on the tasks at hand because we are not constantly pining to be with each other because being married has added stability to our relationship. 

Stephen is in the Air Force, so the bulk of our living expenses come from his job. I can go to school full time and pay my tuition from my wages, and not worry about having to pay for housing. Eventually, we'll switch roles so that Stephen can complete his education. Gazing into the abyss of the 21st century future is far less terrifying when there's a person holding your hand, promising to work alongside you as you strive to provide for yourselves and your future family. 

I am so thankful I was given the opportunity to marry "too young" and begin my adult life linked by love and law to my best friend. Marriage has been the most rewarding experience spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially  and physically. Our marriage has not kept either of us from pursuing our dreams, rather, it has encouraged us and made those possible. 

But I am not happy and growing because I married at twenty one. I am happy and growing because I married the right man on God's timing. And that, is the true solution to the when to get married debate. 

~Susie

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1. Mark Regenerus. Washington Post. "Freedom to Marry Young". April 2009.

Found here